Is It Just Me?

4.30.08
So is it just me or is there a sense of restlessness in the air? It's not uncommon that spring evokes this in me. Maybe it's everything in bloom that sets off a feeling that I, too, should be blooming in a very visible way. Eliminate that 10 pounds finally. Get a new wardrobe. I did, however, get new eyewear.

You know the game…I should be moving on to bigger, better, more fabulous things. I should but...I could but...if only…cause then I would...It's totally perverted, really. This merry-go-round of coulda, woulda, shoulda. (There was an episode of Sex and the City titled this, and of course it was hilarious, as they all are in my humble opinion. And p.s., the movie comes out in 31.5 days.)

But maybe it's not the springtime at all. Maybe it's because I am between two full moons in my sign of Scorpio. April 20 dawned the first one and the next May 20. This isn't entirely a blue moon, according to my very wise astrologer. Rather, it's a turbulent rise of anxiousness and confusion, followed by a sudden awareness of my power and sense of self. So maybe I'm just in that turbulent phase?

Or maybe it's really because for the first time in my adult life, I'm really, truly, very much single. In another word, a-l-o-n-e. No prospects, no 'friendly' friends, no dates, no girlfriends, no partners. This is by all measures most unusual for me. Shortly after I escaped the proverbial closet in 1995, I pretty much hitched up and have been that way off and on since. Even though I've technically been 'single' the better part of this past year (since leaving my 8.5-year committed partnership), I was one to always have her ducks lined up. So even if there were no real dating prospects in the picture, I'd cling to this false hope of making some relationship work.

And that's what I realize I have been doing most recently with the latest square peg I was trying to cram into a round hole. I can't even begin to elaborate on how old this is. Insert images here of an air mattress pump deflating an air mattress, sucking every last bit of air to leave only the flat plastic. Oh but don't be mistaken, I was happy to volunteer. It was kind of my thing to take on that role. Well, I see now the utter and complete insanity of my ways.

It occurred to me yesterday while humming to XM in the car that every song pretty much on the music scene for, well, God, eternity, is about love. Seeking love outside yourself. Letting someone else define you. Letting that love be your only reason for breathing, or dancing, or singing. Then having someone break your heart and make you want to kill him/her, or the person you got dumped for…or God forbid, yourself. In this quiet phase of singledom, I now realize the degree to which I have let my relationships define me.

I commented to my very intuitive friend, Julie Anne, last week about how I felt like nothing was going on for me right now. That I was restless. She reminded me that often when we can't see things happening externally, it's because great change is brewing underneath. So maybe it's really just a combination of lots of changes happening all at once. Yet nothing really distinctly palatable.

Right now, I see my life as a movie montage full of events, people, intuitive discoveries, and slap-me-upside-the-head realizations. (I wonder which song would be appropriate to cue here? I keep hearing "I Will Survive" everywhere I go lately...hmmm ;-)

And maybe it's just the cumulative effect of it all that is enough. I am certainly not where I was a year ago or even a month ago. I do see my life as being along a forward trajectory. It's just that in a world of instant gratification, it's hard not to get sucked into thinking the universe should deliver everything and everyone I want to appear in one click of a button. Although, I do realize that sometimes things do happen much faster than what my feeble mind is prepared to handle, which is why I'm learning to be very, very careful...and clear...these days about my intentions. ;-)

So really, maybe it's more like when a car tire is moving so fast, it actually looks as though it's moving very slow. Maybe that's it. Maybe Julie Anne is right. Maybe so much is changing so quickly my naked eye cannot even detect it. So maybe it is just me. And as strange as it is, I'm actually learning to like that concept.

Just. Me.