So this morning I pulled out my wallet to do the obligatory balancing of the checkbook and found the two fortunes from my visit to Pei Wei yesterday with my friend Vanessa. As usual, I read them and shared them with my dear friend. The first made me smile, "Be prepared to accept a wondrous opportunity in the days ahead!" As I snacked on the cookie (I love the cookie as much as the strip of paper inside), I chatted with Vanessa about our upcoming Energy Empathy class we're co-teaching July 12. And then almost on cue, I opened cookie 2. With a laugh, I read it aloud: "One learns most from teaching others."
I tucked these into the clear plastic holder where my driver's license lives so I could see them often. Mind you, I had two other fortunes in there already: "Many successes will accompany you this year," and "Success is a journey not a destination." (So together do they mean I will, in fact, just have lots of journeys this year? hmmm...) But liking my two new fortunes better I decided to move the older ones to my secondary fortune treasure chest...the change pouch in my wallet.
I unzipped the pouch and started tugging on the white papers sandwiched between the nickels, quarters and dimes. I pulled. And I pulled. And holy crap...there are more?! So now I'm sitting here with my pile of 13 wrinkled, coin-stained quips to live by (at the risk of divulging just how crazy I really am...I even went so far as to date some of them...haha):
The limit to your abilities is where you place it.
Trust your intuition.
A secret admirer will soon send you a sign of affection. (10.11.07)
Every person is the architect of his or her own fortune. (10.11.07)
There will be many surprises: unexpected gains are likely. (10.11.07)
Great acts of kindness will befall you in coming months.
You will become more passionate and determined about your vision. (8.10.07)
Your love of life can carry you through any circumstance.
Don't be surprised by the emergence of undiscovered talents!
Be assertive when decisive action is needed.
There is beauty in simplicity. (6.8.08)
The simplest answer is to act. (6.8.08)
In dreams and in life, nothing is impossible. (6.8.08)
Staring at my fortunes, I am wondering if I really look to these little white papers with my lucky numbers and words like bean sprout, ship, fish, and eggplant scribbled on the back in Chinese to guide my life? To give me insight? Am I a fortune junkie? Now that I think about it, I wonder why I've horded them? I don't really ever go back and read them.
No doubt, there are some great platitudes among those strips. But sometimes I wonder if I spend so much time looking for confirmation and affirmation outside myself, like in these fortunes and my beloved astrology readings, that I forget what I really know? I forget to listen to the lessons and guidance of my own inner voice.
Last night, I watched this odd, poorly acted, low-budget movie called, "Forgiving the Franklins." It's really not worth going into the details of the plot but essentially three of the family members of this uber-Christian family lose their 'good Christian values' after a traffic accident. The self-loathing teenage daughter is the remaining believer of the family and prays throughout for God to change her family back and save her. After having an epiphany of sorts, the last frame of the movie is the girl sitting on a bus saying to herself, "God, if I would have known your voice sounded just like mine all of this could have been avoided."
The truth of her realization (at least truth for me) was a nice reminder. I don't have any great take-aways for you today. Maybe if nothing else, my fortune collection is simply a fun reminder from the universe...or from the 79-year-old woman sitting with a cigarette in hand printing these strips of paper, laughing as she thinks about fortune junkies like me looking to these sheets of paper for clues about my life. And maybe at the end of the day, that's what I most need...silly reminders to trust myself, enjoy life's simplicity and believe that wondrous opportunity really is on its way to me. Well, in that case, surprise and delight me!
Monday, June 30, 2008
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Doing the Best I Can
Not long ago I listened to a forecast by my English astrologer, Jonathan Cainer, in which he talked about “doing the best you can.” I was reminded of it for some reason this morning as I scribbled random thoughts in my journal. More specifically, I was thinking about waking up to my life and what that’s entailed for me to date, particularly in recognizing where I’ve been, where I am, and where I want/intend to be.
In other words, at any moment, recognizing that I am doing the best I can given what I know and have experienced in my short life thus far. So while it’s very easy to sit in my chair with my steaming cup of coffee and ‘should’ myself over what I believed, thought, and did or didn’t do in a given situation – it’s completely unfair to do so. Because how I think, believe, and act today likely isn’t the way I would have then.
You know, it’s why that trusty phrase, while cliché, is so true: hindsight really is 20/20. The key, I believe, is taking that clarity and awareness gained from each experience and truly letting it guide me moving forward. This is always easy to do in theory, harder in practice (which is why I think the universe brings us lots of the same people, experiences, you name it, until we master what we need to learn and can move on). So for me these days, it’s about storing those learnings and then drawing from them to quickly recognize when a situation, type of person, etc. comes around again. Then in that space of awareness, I can choose differently. And hopefully doing the best I can this time around is even a little better than before.
I was enjoying this moment of clarity this morning until that bitchy, contradictory part of myself retorted: “oh but you did know better and you could have…but you didn’t, so that must mean you are…blah, blah, blah.” I realize it is that part of myself, Miss I’ll-Never-Be-Good-Enough, and all her bitchy sidekicks (like Queen of Judgment, King of Criticism, and the rest of the bunch), that want to keep me locked into the cycle of self-defeatism.
It’s a cycle that wrongly asserts that because I believed or acted in one way in the past then by default, I will blindly repeat the behavior in the future. But even if that’s the case, I am still operating with the awareness and knowledge I have, underscored by the belief patterns I’m running, at that given time. So in essence, even though I may need to repeat that particular lesson, I’m still doing the best I can with what I have at my disposal in that moment.
To me, this process is the definition of waking up. It’s being aware and conscious enough to recognize situations repeating themselves in my life and approach them from a new space (ideally from a higher level of consciousness). Everyone’s waking-up experience is so different. For some, it’s an immediate whack upside the head that starts them on the journey into themselves, as they are diagnosed with a dis-ease or face some other life challenge. For others, like me, it’s a slow gradual process until a tipping point is surpassed, sometimes without your even knowing it. Although, looking back now, I see that there were warning signs. Starting around 2004, I knew on a deep level that changes needed to happen. My spirit wasn’t happy. I felt passionless about most everything. And I saw the physical warning signs from all I was stuffing and repressing…the anxiety attacks, rashes, TMJ, ruptured ovarian cysts, and most recently the final eruption, back surgery earlier this year. For years, I kicked, screamed, scratched, and pleaded to stay in my safe little womb asleep. It was safe and warm in that comfort zone of denial, although clearly not fun or healthy.
But then it was like my spirit woke up one morning and said, “nada mas…it’s time.” And so began my shove right into that birth canal. Unlike my birth into this physical world, the pain of this birth was all too palatable and memorable. If this was waking up to my authentic self, I didn’t want any part of it. But as I quickly found once you pass through that gate and begin the journey of discovery, there’s no turning back. I had to press on and as I did, the universe kept delivering the right resources and people to support, honor, and celebrate my journey.
Now, I look back on the experiences of my life to date much like a jigsaw puzzle. I see the sharp, but necessary, corners. I see the flat edges that provide structure. And I see the host of beautiful shapes and colors of the interior pieces that make the picture complete. These days, I am constantly finding new parts of the picture to fill in. Sometimes I find pieces that, at first, seem completely out of place. But as I did so often as a kid, I hold my mouth just right and keep searching, turning, and rearranging until suddenly I discover where the piece goes. Effortlessly, it snaps into place. As time goes on, a little more of the picture fills in. Sometimes though, you get frustrated and need to leave it all spread out on the card table for awhile. But then you return, refreshed and ready to go again.
Such is true of my life. And the more of the picture I see, the more honored and blessed I feel. I am especially grateful to now have a way to process my life that works for me, complete with a host of tools to energetically shift those parts that aren’t fitting together. So now I have ways to work with and shift the beliefs of Miss I’ll-Never-Be-Good-Enough and her cadre.
I have to say though it’s been a blessing and a curse to be on this path of waking up to myself. It’s hard at times not to be overwhelmed with all the issues to clear, beliefs to shift, and baggage to clean out. It’s hard sometimes to just observe and not judge, not ‘should’ myself to death. But it’s precisely then when I must remember that in this moment, it’s OK. I am doing the best I can. And for today, that’s perfectly enough.
In other words, at any moment, recognizing that I am doing the best I can given what I know and have experienced in my short life thus far. So while it’s very easy to sit in my chair with my steaming cup of coffee and ‘should’ myself over what I believed, thought, and did or didn’t do in a given situation – it’s completely unfair to do so. Because how I think, believe, and act today likely isn’t the way I would have then.
You know, it’s why that trusty phrase, while cliché, is so true: hindsight really is 20/20. The key, I believe, is taking that clarity and awareness gained from each experience and truly letting it guide me moving forward. This is always easy to do in theory, harder in practice (which is why I think the universe brings us lots of the same people, experiences, you name it, until we master what we need to learn and can move on). So for me these days, it’s about storing those learnings and then drawing from them to quickly recognize when a situation, type of person, etc. comes around again. Then in that space of awareness, I can choose differently. And hopefully doing the best I can this time around is even a little better than before.
I was enjoying this moment of clarity this morning until that bitchy, contradictory part of myself retorted: “oh but you did know better and you could have…but you didn’t, so that must mean you are…blah, blah, blah.” I realize it is that part of myself, Miss I’ll-Never-Be-Good-Enough, and all her bitchy sidekicks (like Queen of Judgment, King of Criticism, and the rest of the bunch), that want to keep me locked into the cycle of self-defeatism.
It’s a cycle that wrongly asserts that because I believed or acted in one way in the past then by default, I will blindly repeat the behavior in the future. But even if that’s the case, I am still operating with the awareness and knowledge I have, underscored by the belief patterns I’m running, at that given time. So in essence, even though I may need to repeat that particular lesson, I’m still doing the best I can with what I have at my disposal in that moment.
To me, this process is the definition of waking up. It’s being aware and conscious enough to recognize situations repeating themselves in my life and approach them from a new space (ideally from a higher level of consciousness). Everyone’s waking-up experience is so different. For some, it’s an immediate whack upside the head that starts them on the journey into themselves, as they are diagnosed with a dis-ease or face some other life challenge. For others, like me, it’s a slow gradual process until a tipping point is surpassed, sometimes without your even knowing it. Although, looking back now, I see that there were warning signs. Starting around 2004, I knew on a deep level that changes needed to happen. My spirit wasn’t happy. I felt passionless about most everything. And I saw the physical warning signs from all I was stuffing and repressing…the anxiety attacks, rashes, TMJ, ruptured ovarian cysts, and most recently the final eruption, back surgery earlier this year. For years, I kicked, screamed, scratched, and pleaded to stay in my safe little womb asleep. It was safe and warm in that comfort zone of denial, although clearly not fun or healthy.
But then it was like my spirit woke up one morning and said, “nada mas…it’s time.” And so began my shove right into that birth canal. Unlike my birth into this physical world, the pain of this birth was all too palatable and memorable. If this was waking up to my authentic self, I didn’t want any part of it. But as I quickly found once you pass through that gate and begin the journey of discovery, there’s no turning back. I had to press on and as I did, the universe kept delivering the right resources and people to support, honor, and celebrate my journey.
Now, I look back on the experiences of my life to date much like a jigsaw puzzle. I see the sharp, but necessary, corners. I see the flat edges that provide structure. And I see the host of beautiful shapes and colors of the interior pieces that make the picture complete. These days, I am constantly finding new parts of the picture to fill in. Sometimes I find pieces that, at first, seem completely out of place. But as I did so often as a kid, I hold my mouth just right and keep searching, turning, and rearranging until suddenly I discover where the piece goes. Effortlessly, it snaps into place. As time goes on, a little more of the picture fills in. Sometimes though, you get frustrated and need to leave it all spread out on the card table for awhile. But then you return, refreshed and ready to go again.
Such is true of my life. And the more of the picture I see, the more honored and blessed I feel. I am especially grateful to now have a way to process my life that works for me, complete with a host of tools to energetically shift those parts that aren’t fitting together. So now I have ways to work with and shift the beliefs of Miss I’ll-Never-Be-Good-Enough and her cadre.
I have to say though it’s been a blessing and a curse to be on this path of waking up to myself. It’s hard at times not to be overwhelmed with all the issues to clear, beliefs to shift, and baggage to clean out. It’s hard sometimes to just observe and not judge, not ‘should’ myself to death. But it’s precisely then when I must remember that in this moment, it’s OK. I am doing the best I can. And for today, that’s perfectly enough.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
That thing called time...
Well, it's been a bit since I've blogged...something about life happening too quickly. I mean where is June going? I sat down to journal this morning and wrote the date and realized that time's just passing on by. It's funny, really. The whole notion of time and how wrapped up we get in it. In an infinite universe, time doesn't exist. It's just this arbitrary parameter man created to give it all context, meaning.
My whole life I've had time issues. There's clock time, mind you. Then there's what my sister calls 'Lara time,' which is on average 30-45 minutes behind clock time. My family and close friends have come to know this about me. So when I say I'll show up at 9, might as well go ahead and figure 9:30 or 10. I went through that phase of feeling guilty. You know, I'd hear people say 'oh well, you must really disrespect so-and-so if you don't show up on time.'
I guess if you equate time with money or time with...fill in the blank...then that could possibly be true. But in my mind, it's not that I'm trying to be disrespectful or selfish, it's just really that I don't like to be in a hurry. I don't like to rush. And if I'm arriving somewhere from my home, chances are I've gotten distracted by something and have lost all notion of time. You know like I'm putting on make-up and then walk to the kitchen for more coffee or water, and then I remember that I want chicken for dinner, but oh wait, it's frozen, so I pull it out of the freezer to realize the dish I like to put raw chicken in is dirty, so I guess I'll wash it real fast. Then before you know it, 15 minutes have passed.
In thinking about time passing us by, I think many of us get wrapped up not so much in the minutes of the day but the passing of the years. My 62-year-old aunt recently commented on how many people she knows who hate birthdays. What? How can you hate your birthday?! I LOVE my birthday. It's my own national holiday and for the past 11 years I've been employed since college, I have taken my birthday off if it falls on a workday.
But I, like many, sometimes fall into that trap of what at 33.5 years old, I coulda, woulda, shoulda been doing in my life. I look at my nearly four-month-old niece who for the past two months throws her legs out straight and tries to stand when you hold her (most babies don't do this at such an early age, so I'm told), or my 90-year-old grandmother, who looks about 70, walks two miles a day (never mind that she has macular degeneration and doesn't see well), volunteers several days a week at the 'old folks home' (she still lives alone in the house she's been in for the past 50+ years), rides the charter bus to Oklahoma a few times a month to play the slots, and regularly goes dancing.
I look at them as reminders that we are all on our own unique journeys, doing things in our own time and in our own ways. I am reminded that while I'm here on this earth, it is my 'time' to create. I can pick and choose how and with whom I spend my time and energy. What is that I truly want to create in those arbitrary 24 hours in my day? And in the years of my life?
So what about you? How are you creating your days? Are you spending your time the way you want? With who you want? If not, how might you make it up differently? I'll leave you to ponder...and if you want to really dive into this space-time continuum issue deeper, check out the movie 'What the Bleep Do We Know?' with Marlee Matlin...good stuff!
Until next time, have fun, be well, and if I'm meeting you for happy hour or dinner, don't worry if I'm a little late. I still love and respect you...I'm just running on 'Lara time.' :-)
My whole life I've had time issues. There's clock time, mind you. Then there's what my sister calls 'Lara time,' which is on average 30-45 minutes behind clock time. My family and close friends have come to know this about me. So when I say I'll show up at 9, might as well go ahead and figure 9:30 or 10. I went through that phase of feeling guilty. You know, I'd hear people say 'oh well, you must really disrespect so-and-so if you don't show up on time.'
I guess if you equate time with money or time with...fill in the blank...then that could possibly be true. But in my mind, it's not that I'm trying to be disrespectful or selfish, it's just really that I don't like to be in a hurry. I don't like to rush. And if I'm arriving somewhere from my home, chances are I've gotten distracted by something and have lost all notion of time. You know like I'm putting on make-up and then walk to the kitchen for more coffee or water, and then I remember that I want chicken for dinner, but oh wait, it's frozen, so I pull it out of the freezer to realize the dish I like to put raw chicken in is dirty, so I guess I'll wash it real fast. Then before you know it, 15 minutes have passed.
In thinking about time passing us by, I think many of us get wrapped up not so much in the minutes of the day but the passing of the years. My 62-year-old aunt recently commented on how many people she knows who hate birthdays. What? How can you hate your birthday?! I LOVE my birthday. It's my own national holiday and for the past 11 years I've been employed since college, I have taken my birthday off if it falls on a workday.
But I, like many, sometimes fall into that trap of what at 33.5 years old, I coulda, woulda, shoulda been doing in my life. I look at my nearly four-month-old niece who for the past two months throws her legs out straight and tries to stand when you hold her (most babies don't do this at such an early age, so I'm told), or my 90-year-old grandmother, who looks about 70, walks two miles a day (never mind that she has macular degeneration and doesn't see well), volunteers several days a week at the 'old folks home' (she still lives alone in the house she's been in for the past 50+ years), rides the charter bus to Oklahoma a few times a month to play the slots, and regularly goes dancing.
I look at them as reminders that we are all on our own unique journeys, doing things in our own time and in our own ways. I am reminded that while I'm here on this earth, it is my 'time' to create. I can pick and choose how and with whom I spend my time and energy. What is that I truly want to create in those arbitrary 24 hours in my day? And in the years of my life?
So what about you? How are you creating your days? Are you spending your time the way you want? With who you want? If not, how might you make it up differently? I'll leave you to ponder...and if you want to really dive into this space-time continuum issue deeper, check out the movie 'What the Bleep Do We Know?' with Marlee Matlin...good stuff!
Until next time, have fun, be well, and if I'm meeting you for happy hour or dinner, don't worry if I'm a little late. I still love and respect you...I'm just running on 'Lara time.' :-)
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