Shadow Dancing

3.13.08

Scouring the smoky dark bar, I could see the shadowy figures. Cocktails in one hand. Sometimes the free one held a cigarette. Sometimes it clutched a girl. Mine was shoved deep into my Levi’s pocket.

It’s so cliche, really. That whole notion of having no hand to hold. And for the first time in my adult life, I am experiencing it, which clearly speaks volumes about where I am. I’d say about 97 percent of the time, I’m great with that for I have even more capacity to grasp my freedom and seize new opportunities. Something I realize I love more than I ever thought possible.

But then there’s that fraction of time that doubt creeps in. Like tonight. Especially when you think about the last time you were in this same bar four months prior. Realizing one relationship was drawing to a close, and although I didn’t quite know it in that moment, another was on its heels. It was to be, that experience. And I am thankful for all of it, for I moved to new levels of understanding about myself. But moving through this journey called life, I’m beginning to realize, is really best summed up in that Bill Murray movie, ’Groundhog Day.’ Where you just keep replaying the same scenes over and over. Until the day you wake up. Truly wake up. And realize that there’s a reason people hate reruns. They’re boring and predictable.

After an hour of staring down a sea of lost faces (including that of my ex girlfriend’s ex girlfriend), I’d had more than enough. Options like these are enough to leave a lesbian contemplating the other, darker, straighter side. (But really, even nights like tonight couldn’t leave me that desperate.)

Instead, I realized it’s time to disappear into those shadows. Not those punctuated by the smoky haze. Rather, those dark places inside of me. Those crevices and hallways full of regret, anger, frustration, and fear. For so long, I have filled those spaces with alcohol, girlfriends, and any other distraction I could find. But, unlike four months ago, tonight I found my heart a little more jaded and my spirit a little more determined.

Determined not to emerge until I have brought myself up a bit further from the shadows, ready to let my light shine even brighter. Because for better or worse, this is my movie to produce. I’m not quite sure how it will end. But I do know this much: the smoke has cleared and my hand is enfolded in that of the girl’s brave enough to hold onto it.