Doing the Best I Can

Not long ago I listened to a forecast by my English astrologer, Jonathan Cainer, in which he talked about “doing the best you can.” I was reminded of it for some reason this morning as I scribbled random thoughts in my journal. More specifically, I was thinking about waking up to my life and what that’s entailed for me to date, particularly in recognizing where I’ve been, where I am, and where I want/intend to be.

In other words, at any moment, recognizing that I am doing the best I can given what I know and have experienced in my short life thus far. So while it’s very easy to sit in my chair with my steaming cup of coffee and ‘should’ myself over what I believed, thought, and did or didn’t do in a given situation – it’s completely unfair to do so. Because how I think, believe, and act today likely isn’t the way I would have then.

You know, it’s why that trusty phrase, while cliché, is so true: hindsight really is 20/20. The key, I believe, is taking that clarity and awareness gained from each experience and truly letting it guide me moving forward. This is always easy to do in theory, harder in practice (which is why I think the universe brings us lots of the same people, experiences, you name it, until we master what we need to learn and can move on). So for me these days, it’s about storing those learnings and then drawing from them to quickly recognize when a situation, type of person, etc. comes around again. Then in that space of awareness, I can choose differently. And hopefully doing the best I can this time around is even a little better than before.

I was enjoying this moment of clarity this morning until that bitchy, contradictory part of myself retorted: “oh but you did know better and you could have…but you didn’t, so that must mean you are…blah, blah, blah.” I realize it is that part of myself, Miss I’ll-Never-Be-Good-Enough, and all her bitchy sidekicks (like Queen of Judgment, King of Criticism, and the rest of the bunch), that want to keep me locked into the cycle of self-defeatism.

It’s a cycle that wrongly asserts that because I believed or acted in one way in the past then by default, I will blindly repeat the behavior in the future. But even if that’s the case, I am still operating with the awareness and knowledge I have, underscored by the belief patterns I’m running, at that given time. So in essence, even though I may need to repeat that particular lesson, I’m still doing the best I can with what I have at my disposal in that moment.

To me, this process is the definition of waking up. It’s being aware and conscious enough to recognize situations repeating themselves in my life and approach them from a new space (ideally from a higher level of consciousness). Everyone’s waking-up experience is so different. For some, it’s an immediate whack upside the head that starts them on the journey into themselves, as they are diagnosed with a dis-ease or face some other life challenge. For others, like me, it’s a slow gradual process until a tipping point is surpassed, sometimes without your even knowing it. Although, looking back now, I see that there were warning signs. Starting around 2004, I knew on a deep level that changes needed to happen. My spirit wasn’t happy. I felt passionless about most everything. And I saw the physical warning signs from all I was stuffing and repressing…the anxiety attacks, rashes, TMJ, ruptured ovarian cysts, and most recently the final eruption, back surgery earlier this year. For years, I kicked, screamed, scratched, and pleaded to stay in my safe little womb asleep. It was safe and warm in that comfort zone of denial, although clearly not fun or healthy.

But then it was like my spirit woke up one morning and said, “nada mas…it’s time.” And so began my shove right into that birth canal. Unlike my birth into this physical world, the pain of this birth was all too palatable and memorable. If this was waking up to my authentic self, I didn’t want any part of it. But as I quickly found once you pass through that gate and begin the journey of discovery, there’s no turning back. I had to press on and as I did, the universe kept delivering the right resources and people to support, honor, and celebrate my journey.

Now, I look back on the experiences of my life to date much like a jigsaw puzzle. I see the sharp, but necessary, corners. I see the flat edges that provide structure. And I see the host of beautiful shapes and colors of the interior pieces that make the picture complete. These days, I am constantly finding new parts of the picture to fill in. Sometimes I find pieces that, at first, seem completely out of place. But as I did so often as a kid, I hold my mouth just right and keep searching, turning, and rearranging until suddenly I discover where the piece goes. Effortlessly, it snaps into place. As time goes on, a little more of the picture fills in. Sometimes though, you get frustrated and need to leave it all spread out on the card table for awhile. But then you return, refreshed and ready to go again.

Such is true of my life. And the more of the picture I see, the more honored and blessed I feel. I am especially grateful to now have a way to process my life that works for me, complete with a host of tools to energetically shift those parts that aren’t fitting together. So now I have ways to work with and shift the beliefs of Miss I’ll-Never-Be-Good-Enough and her cadre.

I have to say though it’s been a blessing and a curse to be on this path of waking up to myself. It’s hard at times not to be overwhelmed with all the issues to clear, beliefs to shift, and baggage to clean out. It’s hard sometimes to just observe and not judge, not ‘should’ myself to death. But it’s precisely then when I must remember that in this moment, it’s OK. I am doing the best I can. And for today, that’s perfectly enough.